You Are Right… (Listening Pt. 3)

Cover via Amazon

Don’t you just hate saying that to someone you’ve argued with?  Why would you even say it, especially since you are the one who is right?  Right?

In his book, Feeling Good Together, Dr. David Burns describes his Five Secrets to Effective Communication.  One of them is the Disarming Technique.  The idea here is that you put yourself in the place of the speaker and try to see things from their perspective and attempt to understand how/what they are feeling based on what they are saying. 

When you are carefully and intentionally listening with your head (and your heart), you can somewhat see where your partner is coming from.  And then you can say something like, “Hmmm… I can see your point.” – even if you can’t quite bring yourself to say, “You are right.”

How does telling someone they are right have anything to do with being a good listener?  What it tells your partner is that you paid attention, that you lowered your wall(defenses) and sword(verbal attacks) and tried to put yourself in their shoes, to see the issue or situation from their perspective.  And they will feel like you actually heard them.

What if you truly believe they are wrong and you are right?  Digging in your heels and insisting on your ‘right-ness’ is one of the blocks to communication and intimacy that Burns also mentions in his book.  It’s not easy to let go of our justifications or make room for another’s Truth.  But doing so is key to being a good listener.  Seeing the world through someone else’s eyes, even if doing so causes us pain, brings us a little closer together.

Learning new communication skills is not easy.  It usually means having a willingness to look at things we aren’t doing well and being willing to change our thoughts along with our behavior.  Counseling is quite helpful for individuals and couples who want to  make such changes but get stuck when they try to do so on their own.  I urge you to find a professional you feel comfortable with who can help.

If I have to listen to this one more time… (Listening Part 2)

So, in part one I listed 5 brief tidbits on how to improve your listening skills.  And you ask why that is so important?  I mean, you listen just fine, right?  True as that is, it never hurts to polish those skills.

The basic mechanics I mentioned in part one apply to all listening opportunities.  If your partner, spouse, friend or teenager needs to vent about something, 1-5 will help you be a good and supportive listener for that person.  It’s easier to be a supportive listener when the venting/ranting is not about you or something you did or did not do.

What if it IS about you?  Then what?  Steps 1-5 still apply…with some slight tweaking.

#1 Body Language – No eye rolling, arm crossing or heavy sighing.  These behaviors tell your partner that you are not interested in hearing them and they make you seem defensive and rude.  Keep proper eye contact and neutral facial expressions.

#2 Pay Attention to Your Loved One – You may not like what you are hearing, but paying attention to what they are saying and how they are feeling is paramount toward understanding them. 

#3 Asking Questions – When you start to respond to them, check your sarcasm at the door.  When asking a question, ask it with a tone of respect.  Example: What could I do differently next time so you aren’t so upset?  Versus: God, why don’t you just get over it already, I mean, what do you want me to do about it now!?!?!

#4 – And this should probably be #1 – Don’t get defensive. Don’t go on the attack.  Take a really deep breath and take as many as you need to stay calm.  Remember: no one ever died from their partner criticizing them.  It sucks, it may seem unfair, and it may even be unwarranted or untrue… still, listen with respect.  The counter-attack (“Well what about YOU?”) and defensive move (“NO, I didn’t.”) wont solve the issue.

#5 Take a time out – if things get too heated, you feel overwhelmed with what you are hearing tell your loved one, “I need a break.  I feel upset with what you are telling me and I don’t want to dismiss it or attack you back, so I need a break.”  Revisit the issue when you have calmed down.

I realize this all looks great on paper (or on-screen) and that it’s 100 times harder to put into practice than it is to read about.  And you are probably wondering, “This is good, so now I can listen to someone rag on me – what about when it’s my turn to rag on them?  How do I do that without causing a fight?” 

Stay tuned for the next series that will address ways to express yourself…