How To Be Your Partner’s Best Friend

This is one of my favorite quotes.  I re-read it the other day and realized that for all my tips on listening – Henri sums it up with succinct perfection:

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

 

If you want to be your partner’s best friend, do the above at all times – even when he or she rambles on about the stuff you could care less about.  “Being there” in this manner whether its during arguments, sad times or conversations that seem pointless to you – THAT is one of the best ways to become your partner’s best friend.

My Friend and Lover

In this series of posts, I discuss the importance of friendship within the romantic relationship.  Earlier this week I emphasized the importance of liking yourself, being your own best friend. 

Today I want to talk a little about how to build a friendship with your romantic partner.  I am sure many of you are thinking there is no need for such a post because being friends with someone is a no-brainer, right?  Well, yes and no.  “Yes” because friendship basics like common interests and values, trust, loyalty and a sense of give and take hold true for both platonic and romantic friendships.  “No” because we feel more vulnerable and the importance of those basics exponentially increases. 

How do you really get to know someone you are dating? 

#1.  Keep your clothes on.  Sounds a little old-fashioned, I know.  When you have sex too early in the relationship, the sexual relationship can take priority over building a friendship.  It’s not easy to put hormones on the back burner; but waiting to have sex until you know you are attracted to a partner’s personality as much as their body makes the sex that much better.

#2.  Ask questions.  My partner and I play a game I call the alphabet game.  We played it a lot more during the early part of our relationship and we still play it.  When we are on longer drives, we take turns asking each other questions using words that start with letters of the alphabet.  For example: Who is your favorite Aunt and why?  Tell me about a time when you played Baseball.  When did you disappoint your Parents? What Qualities do you admire most in a person?  What did you learn about yourself from your last Break-up?  Q, X & Z were the hardest letters for us.  Sometimes the questions were about serious topics and sometimes they were more lighthearted. 

#3.  Be Open.  Dating partners are going to have their own ideas and opinions.  Be open to at least listening to them and not judging them.  Now, if a person’s ideas or opinions are SO opposite of yours that you feel you two are not a good match, move on.  Be open to sharing your ideas and opinions, too.  If the person across from you is closed-off or harshly judgmental to the point you feel defensive, again, maybe it isn’t a good match and you move on.  Maybe you both find you differ on politics, but you come to a place of understanding each other (because you’ve been open) and find that, despite that particular difference, you really like each other.  And instead of moving on, you both move forward.

#4.  Give and graciously receive compliments.  Telling someone you like exactly what it is about them that you like will probably lead them to do more of what you like.  Saying “thank you” when you receive a compliment implies that you are confident and can accept positive feedback.  AND we typically need five positive interactions for every negative interaction we experience.  So, when you are building up good feelings toward each other you are more able to handle hearing a criticism.  A friendship is more about building each other up, not tearing each other down. 

#5.  Have a sense of humor.  Laughing at yourself and about minor faux pas reduces stress and relieves tension.  I am clumsy.  I trip over thin air.  When my partner and I are walking down the street and I stumble, recover and keep moving, we laugh about it.  He doesn’t get on my case or try to embarrass me and I don’t feel I have to apologize for being who I am.  We try not to take ourselves too seriously.  He farts, I fart, and we laugh.  We go in for a kiss and totally miss the target, we laugh.  I mess up something on the barbeque, he laughs. 

Ok, so he doesn’t laugh, but, he gently reminds me again what to do.  And he can do that because of all the other times that we’ve laughed or complimented each other or been open with each other – because we took the time to learn about each other.  Do we still get on each other’s nerves?  Sure.  But we are more tolerant of each other during those moments because we are friends who really like each other. 

I hope this has given you ideas to help you build a friendship with your romantic partner.  If you need a little coaching, find a relationship counselor to give you both some tools for success.

Another Brick in the…

The #1 strongest brick in your friendship with your lover, your spouse, your partner, your significant other is your friendship with yourself.  How do you expect someone else to like you if you don’t like you?

Liking yourself doesn’t mean being narcissistic with a self-inflated ego and making everything about you.  Although there are people like that in the world.  And, truthfully, there will always be some things you aren’t too keen on about yourself.  Maybe you don’t like your extra 10 pounds, your naturally curly hair, or your job. 

I guess what I mean when I talk about liking you is accepting you.  Accept, and accentuate, your positive qualities.  Accept your faults; acknowledge their presence but don’t give them power over you.  Accept that all your attributes (positive and challenging) make you uniquely you. 

Other people can tell when you genuinely like yourself.  You are able to talk about your positive qualities without sounding full of yourself.  And you can admit your faults and challenges, unapologetically, but with a tone of humility (not self-loathing).  You have a sort of “Yeah, I am not perfect but I have a lot going for me” attitude.

Liking who you are is an attractive quality that tends to attract quality people into your life.  When you like yourself and your partner likes themselves, you are less likely to be defensive when you hear criticism and you are more likely to speak up when something is bothering you.  You feel more confident in sharing with each other and are more capable of being vulnerable with each other.  And that…is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.