Don’t Take It Personal

Someone asked me recently what it means to “not take it personal.”  Good question… How do I explain that one?

Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements says of his Agreement, Don’t take anything personally,”Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

Ok, that’s all fine and dandy but how do we not take something another has said or done personally?  Maybe asking ourselves some questions would be helpful.

1) Did they truly mean to put me down? I mean REALLY intend on causing me to feel bad?
Usually, if we think about the other person, who they are, their personality, their circumstances, we often come away saying, “No, this wasn’t about me. It’s about them.”

2) Am I making assumptions?
Often we jump to conclusions without any definite evidence to support our conclusion.

3) Am I being insecure?
Sometimes we don’t feel good about ourselves. When we don’t feel good about who we are and what we bring to the table in any given situation, we can tend to feel that others will feel the same way about us as we feel about ourselves.

When you get that knot in the pit of your stomach when you are in an interpersonal exchange, ask yourself the above questions.  If you feel good about yourself, you don’t think you are making assumptions, you think the other person isn’t trying to be evil to you, but you still have that knot… Ask the other person some questions, “What do you mean by that? I want clarification because it sounds like you are saying ______ about me.  Or am I off base?”

If questions 2 and 3 above seem to be tripping you up in life, there’s help for that.  Sometimes a little coaching is called for, sometimes it takes some counseling or psychotherapy.  You definitely don’t have to live your life taking things personally!

Two and half mo…

Two and half months is certainly way too long to be gone. My sincere apologies.  As I have said in a prior post – I could put down a myriad of excuses: busy, work, life, holidays, stress….blah blah blah… but I have no excuse.

Like all of us, I take a break even from doing the things I love most (writing, for example). Then I feel bad or guilty because I have not been doing the things I think I “should” do (See my post on the 11th commandment).  And those emotions keep me suspended in gooey inertia.  I wander around in circles lamenting my lack of motivation, crying about how pathetic I am… You know what I am talking about because you have been there, too!

How do I break out of it?

1) I stop whining and start doing…and I quit caring about who’s looking.  I remind myself that the only person I REALLY need to please or make happy is myself.  And ACTION is the fastest way out of the goo.

2) I get appreciative, grateful for the life I have and stop wishing for what I don’t have.  A man in the town where I work hacked his sons to death then blew them and himself up on Superbowl Sunday.  Whining about my commute, my lack of exercise or my missing blog posts is NOTHING compared to that.

3) Sometimes I sit down and have myself a really good cry.  Tears can wash the crud out of the soul and allow us clearer vision.  My next post is a poem I wrote about just this topic.

I am not narcissistic or naive enough to think that my recipe for action will work for you.  You are the expert on what moves you to action, what gets you out of the goo… So, let me just encourage you to pull out that recipe, read it and get on it! There is no time like the present to move yourself in the direction you want to travel…

Living MY Life Fully Means…

…means what exactly?

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself that question?  It’s not about “being happy.”  Although some would argue that it is akin to
being happy.

Living life fully is different for every single one of us.  It’s about living our values.  It’s about making choices in every moment of
the day that is in line with those values.  When the choices you make throughout the day are more in line with your values than not, you can truthfully say you were better today than yesterday.

You can definitely tell when you are NOT living your values.  You feel it in your body.  It could be a nagging pit in your stomach, a
niggling feeling in the back of your head, or a general feeling of irritation.  Instead of asking yourself, “Why do I feel like this,” or instead of chalking it up to “I am just unhappy,” ask yourself, “Which of my values am I not honoring?”

Living your values isn’t a cake walk.  Doing so means you may create friction in some areas of your life…especially areas where others are used to you living their values – not yours.  Maybe you’ve just been going with the path of least resistance because it was easier.  But there is a cost…a great cost… to your own sense of well-being.  The anxiety and stress created by NOT living your values is immense.

Getting clarification around values and then living those values can be challenging.  Coaching can help you find that clarification.  If you
want to know more about how coaching can help, check out my website, call me, or explore the International Coach Federation.