Anger is a Killer

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~ The Buddha

 Buddha had it right: when you hold onto anger, you are the one harmed – physically and emotionally.

How does anger harm me physically, you ask? The physiological reactions that occur in your body when you get angry are very similar to those that occur when you are stressed and anxious. Anger, stress and anxiety increase levels of “stress hormones” like cortisol, adrenalin, and norepinephrine. When you get angry, your endocrine system presses the alarm button and your body goes on autopilot. You begin producing hormones that increase your blood pressure and prepare the body for fight or flight.

You can Google the effects prolonged exposure to these hormones has on the body. It’s not pretty. Among them are memory issues, cardiovascular issues, and inflammation issues.

Anger and its associated hormones can increase your risk of depression, as well. Neurotransmitters and neuroreceptors are sensitive to these hormones and levels of serotonin and dopamine can be affected by them. When those are thrown off kilter, the ability to regulate your mood is also affected. Anger also has a negative effect on your relationships.

When you spout off in an angry way all the time, people around you associate you as a negative person and begin interacting with you differently. They avoid you, ignore you or start treating you with disdain because they are tired of hearing your anger. When that happens, you get angrier or depressed and you spout off more. And a pattern of unsatisfying interactions emerges.

Finding a way to express or release your anger in a way that keeps your blood pressure down and the stress hormones to a minimum is essential to overall life and relationship satisfaction – not to mention better physical health. If people around you start mentioning your negativity or they talk about you being angry all the time, you may want to look at making some changes.

If you have difficulty changing your anger response on your own, counseling is a good way to get support and skills to manage those intense emotions. Don’t let anger burn you out or burn down your relationships.

It’s All Mom’s Fault

Blame Game
Villain = Mom
Hero = Me

That’s the way it goes, right?  Our mothers get blamed for how we turned out.  They didn’t love, hug, cuddle, kiss, support, or discipline us enough.  Or, they loved, hugged, coddled or disciplined us TOO much so we ended up entitled, angry, weak, mean, or unhappy adults.  You name it; it is our mother’s fault.

EEEEHHHHH (sound of game show buzzer):  Wrong Answer.

Several factors go into making us who we are and here are just a few:
* Genetic predisposition – Our genes can determine if we are likely to have arthritis or depression.
* Family Generational Patterns – Addiction, Violence, Depression, even Success can be mapped from generation to generation.
* Social Factors – Support systems, or lack thereof (friends, school, community) outside our family can greatly influence the outcome of our
    personhood.
* Global Trends – Think Facebook & Twitter vs. handwritten letters & no internet.
* Personal Choices – My favorite and it’s pretty self-explanatory.

I have helped clients review the above factors in counseling to help them see what effect those factors have on the current issues going on in their lives.  Personal choice is the factor I want to focus on for Mother’s Day, though.  Granted, moms make mistakes.  But that’s because they’re human and we didn’t come with owner’s manuals when we were born. 

We have very little control over how we get raised, over what happens when we are “under our parents’ roofs.”  But I believe we have more control over how we let that affect us in our adult lives than sometimes we think.  If we had a particularly crappy existence in our youth, we can let that dictate who we are or how we feel as adults or we can choose to heal childhood wounds and move forward.

There is no denying that we are greatly harmed if our moms (or other caregivers) physically or emotionally abuse us or neglect our emotional or physical needs.  We get hurt if they don’t or are unable to protect us from violence or abuse at the hands of another person.  We don’t have to forgive or forget those kinds of wounds.  But if we want to feel better in our lives, we have to find a way to heal, let go, and move on.

Sometimes we need help letting go of past painful experiences.  Some people choose counseling as way to accomplish that healing.  Some people find healing in spiritual practices or through other means.  I think one of the most important tasks we can do for our own emotional and mental health when we become adults is to choose to let go of the crap and heal our wounds. 

What we do or how we feel when we become adults, ultimately, is our own choice, not our mother’s fault. 

P.S. Mom, if you read this – I love you.